In every playground, classroom or even workplace, there is a certain person, a person who is particularly skilled at the art of annoyance, a communal asshole if you will, the kind of person who has the incredible power to irk even the most level headed of people with jokes that may ,or may not, ever change. In my little community, I am that person and here is what you could call, these are three examples of my best material:
The Haggis Seductive Dance:
I am not a bully, with all the jokes i make, i still care for my victims, my jokes are very specific to the individual to whom they are addressed, which brings us to the seductive Haggis dance which is simply a seductive belly dance, preformed by a male who has no dancing skills or knowledge of how to belly dance done to a very religious male who gets very nervous and very sweaty very easily. the steps are as follows:
Step One:
One hand on undercheeks, one hand on nipple, sway slightly.
Step Two:
Move the undercheek hand to other nipple, sway freakily and make creep face
Step Three:
One hand on the back of the head, one hand on tit, tongue out, wiggle eyebrows and sway furiously repeat as necessary.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OLLIE BOYEEEE:
At some point back in seventh grade, almost three years ago, Ollie preformed a mini-skit in front of the whole drama class that went a little like this:
"Ollie: Mother i have some bad news...
Ollie in falsetto: What's wrong did you get raped by a
dolphin again?"
That was the joke; and since it was seventh grade it was insanely hilarious but from it, i have derived 3 years worth of Ollie Boy the dolphin rapist jokes; on his birthday i get him stuffed dolphins and during Christmas
time i sing the dolphin rape carols such as:
Oliver's a Dolphin Rapist:
Ollie Boys a dolphin rapist
falalalala,lalalala
Feel the smoothness of that dolphin
falalalalalalalalala
Don we now our rape apparel
Trolling the ancient christams carol
falalalalalalalalalalala
and so on...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life Stories:
The Life Stories are a very dear invention of mine, done in a period of unbelievable boredom. They are in essence stories that go from graduation of my victims to their deaths, Fabulous hair victim Alami became a hairdresser and was ditched in an old folks at the age of 50 by his kid since he's as clingy as super-glued Velcro, Ollie Boy opens a dolphin rape circus and thrives on the perversions of people, and turns into the antichrist when his favorite dies. But my best work is that of Haggis, (i'm sorry he's the perfect victim, just listing his qualities, fat, devout, sweaty, kindle sheikh is enough to make fun of him):
Haggis started off with the choice of either joining the mosque or graduating from university
The choice was easy, mosque.
Five times a day he would get on the altar, read The Quran from his amazon kindle and sweat. If any.... urges arose he always had his broom. (I don't really know how that works). eventually he married the broom and had little broom children.
But eventually the broom was no longer happy with this arrangement; it wanted more out of life. So the broom took her/its little things and went on an airplane to The Philippines, but Haggis could not live without his...erm.. family and went to the runway to stop their departure, but was run over by the plane. A combination of his sweaty body and Gods love for him allowed the plane to slip on him and ensured his survival.
He became rich and famous on advertising deals.
After becoming rich and famous he made the mistake of buying a sauna and sweated to death.
The Haggis Seductive Dance:I am not a bully, with all the jokes i make, i still care for my victims, my jokes are very specific to the individual to whom they are addressed, which brings us to the seductive Haggis dance which is simply a seductive belly dance, preformed by a male who has no dancing skills or knowledge of how to belly dance done to a very religious male who gets very nervous and very sweaty very easily. the steps are as follows:
Step One:
One hand on undercheeks, one hand on nipple, sway slightly.
Move the undercheek hand to other nipple, sway freakily and make creep face
One hand on the back of the head, one hand on tit, tongue out, wiggle eyebrows and sway furiously repeat as necessary.
At some point back in seventh grade, almost three years ago, Ollie preformed a mini-skit in front of the whole drama class that went a little like this:
"Ollie: Mother i have some bad news...
Ollie in falsetto: What's wrong did you get raped by a
dolphin again?"
That was the joke; and since it was seventh grade it was insanely hilarious but from it, i have derived 3 years worth of Ollie Boy the dolphin rapist jokes; on his birthday i get him stuffed dolphins and during Christmas
time i sing the dolphin rape carols such as:
Oliver's a Dolphin Rapist:
Ollie Boys a dolphin rapist
falalalala,lalalala
Feel the smoothness of that dolphin
falalalalalalalalala
Don we now our rape apparel
Trolling the ancient christams carol
falalalalalalalalalalala
and so on...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life Stories:
The Life Stories are a very dear invention of mine, done in a period of unbelievable boredom. They are in essence stories that go from graduation of my victims to their deaths, Fabulous hair victim Alami became a hairdresser and was ditched in an old folks at the age of 50 by his kid since he's as clingy as super-glued Velcro, Ollie Boy opens a dolphin rape circus and thrives on the perversions of people, and turns into the antichrist when his favorite dies. But my best work is that of Haggis, (i'm sorry he's the perfect victim, just listing his qualities, fat, devout, sweaty, kindle sheikh is enough to make fun of him):
Haggis started off with the choice of either joining the mosque or graduating from university
The choice was easy, mosque.
Five times a day he would get on the altar, read The Quran from his amazon kindle and sweat. If any.... urges arose he always had his broom. (I don't really know how that works). eventually he married the broom and had little broom children.
But eventually the broom was no longer happy with this arrangement; it wanted more out of life. So the broom took her/its little things and went on an airplane to The Philippines, but Haggis could not live without his...erm.. family and went to the runway to stop their departure, but was run over by the plane. A combination of his sweaty body and Gods love for him allowed the plane to slip on him and ensured his survival.
He became rich and famous on advertising deals.
After becoming rich and famous he made the mistake of buying a sauna and sweated to death.
