Geese

Some people will subject themselves to misery-inducing synthetic cotton pillows that have the texture and hardness of a teenager’s “used” sock because they protest to the use of goose feathers and down in the pillows. Many will allow this to carry over to their choice of blanket/cover/quilt for themselves and, for some, even their children. Many are very, very against the eating of geese, goose eggs, pâté and foie-gras. Personally, I find these people to be without any sort of guidance for two reasons: 1) goose is fucking delicious (2) Geese, especially geese, deserve it because they are assholes.

To say that geese are jerks would be like saying that the Hitler didn’t like Jews. It is true, but only so far as an understatement of the highest degree can be considered true. Geese are not just jerks, geese have reached a new level, one that I cannot describe with words as well as I can with rapid angry hand gestures. Geese deal with people the same way that psychotic teenagers deal with small furry animals: very painfully. If you’ve ever seen a video of a goose attacking a person you should know that it’s not an isolated case. There are approximately 100 goose attacks on people annually from one genus of goose (the Canada Goose) alone. Y’know how many shark attacks there are WORLDWIDE every year? 75. 75 shark attacks worldwide from every kind of shark ever and 100 goose attacks from just the Canada Goose.

This actually wouldn’t be so bad if geese were completely harmless like chickens or infants, but no. Goose attacks often result in broken bones and head injuries which is bad in of itself, were it not for the fact that geese specifically target children and the elderly in groups of large people.

"Grandma, are we going to die?"
"Yes"

What makes this way worse is that geese have extreme resilience, are very territorial and possess some freaking Assassins Creed eagle-vision level of eyesight. They also have a knowledge of body language that rivals a master detective’s. When in contact with a hostile goose the best advice is to hold your arms up, pray, maintain goose eye contact and back away slowly, while never squinting your eyes or moving your torso or shoulders away from the goose, geese will see these as a sign of weakness and, seeing as they are total feathered cockbags, will accordingly attack. Sometimes even the proper precautions won’t help. Many geese will not only attack, but continue chasing people until seriously injured. Don’t believe me? The internet is littered with stories and videos of goose attacks ranging from a bite to “when I was still in diapers, my family took me on a picnic to a lake where a goose grabbed me by the head and slowly started pulling me into the water with the intention to drown me ”. If you don’t even trust the internet ask a parent, grandparent or someone who grew up near a farm. They’ll vouch for me: geese are fucking mean. But it’s when they don’t attack directly that you get issues because geese go kamikaze.

Fuck Humans

A far larger problem than direct goose attack is that of the “sneaky kamikaze strike”. This could just be sadistic pilots or geese that are stupid enough to fly over airports but the leading theory dictates that geese in fact do this on purpose in order to maximise human suffering. Geese will fly into the engines of a plane when it is at its most vulnerable, during takeoff and landing. Over a period of 18 years (1990-2008), kamikaze goose operations in North America have caused 1181 crash landings with 603 causing damage and 317 resulting in negative effects. Kamikaze geese in this period caused 59,000 hours of aircraft down time and an estimated $50 million in costs which is about equal to the average Hulk rampage through New York City, except that the geese were also directly responsible for a total of 18 deaths or serious injuries and 4 irreversibly damaged aircraft.

In these dark times when facing a savage bird attack or kamikaze goose mission you can always remember that these are birds and we do eat them. Please, remember the 18 fallen over a period of 18 years and the countless horribly maimed victims of bird abuse who have been scarred for life from goose onslaught and reconsider buying a goose down jacket. Geese are not endangered. Geese are not beautiful or protected in any way. Geese are not good pets or an important part of the lake atmosphere. Geese are just fuckers. Therefore I implore you to consider how foul geese are before reconsidering pâté because of a diet or, worse, animal rights. Geese have no rights. They traded them for intense reproductive skills and good eyesight. Two things that I lack.