I Was an Awful Child

November 8, 1998. An infant is ejected into the world outside of the Jacuzzi known as the womb.

That infant was me. I was a dickhead within the first minute of being born. I refused to feed. My mother and the nurse attempted to force feed me titty, but I was adamant. The doctors' analysis: "kid's gon die". Eventually I opened my mouth to scream and and had a boobie forcefully thrust into my mouth, I then realized that I liked breast and haven't been shaken of that faith yet.

After the initial scream I suppose I made a correlation between vocally attacking eardrums and titties because I continued my endless ear-jarring shrieks for the next 9 months of my life. My great aunt once threatened to throw me out of the window of a moving taxi cab because I wouldn't shut the fuck up.

At the strike of 10 months old I learned how to talk and have found it much more satisfying than screeching.

After that I became a rather quiet, slow talking child who did not say much at home and managed to develop an unholy, demonic obsession with skulls, black magic and the undead. I also learned how to draw by grabbing a shitton of colored pencils and attempting to draw a lion on a wall, (that wall being the single most important hallway in the house and the one all guests saw upon entering).

Recreation of my pretty lion. So pretty

Although I was quiet at home, on holiday and at school I was a complete terror. On holiday I persisted in being a little shit and getting lost (occasionally on purpose because why the fuck not). I once notably ruined a holiday in Lebanon by receiving the commands "don't PISS in the pool" which I interpreted as "don't piss IN the pool" and so took a leak from the diving board.

My parents pretended they didn't know me and even moved seats.

In school I was what is commonly known as "a weirdass little shit". I slept under the table. Marked every tree in the Junior School playground as my territory. Danced in lessons. Joined a gang of 9-year olds. Pantsed a classmate in class. Drew on every available surface. Ate a science experiment and on one occasion vomited on a teacher for refusing to allow me to go to the bathroom.

Eventually my satanic obsessions and evil streak died down into mild insanity and an affinity towards being annoying. I still retain the power of being a total cunt but alas, I am not young enough to avoid getting slapped for it. Someday I guess I'll pass down this evil power to my children through the magic of genetics but till then, I'll just have to get more creative.