Have you ever seen a ride at an amusement park and thought to yourself: "that ride is too hardcore, I shouldn't do that"? I have. That's because I'm a pussy. Pussyland is actually quite nice. It's safe and you don't need to worry about ever disappointing yourself because eventually you die on the inside. Thankfully, I have a reverse Jiminy Cricket in the form of Zooz. Zooz is the human version of lack of impulse control and although he can be a complete and utter tool as a result of it, it also means that he's often quite fun. This is especially applicable in amusement parks where he somehow managed to convince me to take a fifty meter waterslide which ends in three seconds flat as a direct result of Newton's gravitational dick being shoved so far up your ass you can taste it.
This slide, for summation purposes, shall be named The Death Slide. When we first arrived onto the waiting area of The Death Slide it was closed. It was closed because of the design of the slide. The way you access the slide is by going into what appears to be a distended soda can with a hydraulic door and some sort of way you enter the actual slide which is not immediately apparent. This design apparently caused a morbidly obese Mexican woman some serious distress, and by distress I mean she started screaming for her mother and attacked the door of the slide like some kind of waterslide King Kong. Regardless, she somehow broke the slide and it was out of order for about an hour.
After killing an hour we returned to find a line.As soon as I got to the front of the line, I realized that I was about to entrust my life to an aluminum can hooked to a hose and started rethinking my life choices. Zooz tried to convince me for a moment to not be a baby before he decided I was a lost cause. This was my point of no turning back. If I went on the slide I may have had a chance to possibly retain my place in this dimension, if I did not, I forfeited my right to breathe. At that moment, just as I had made the decision to dishonour my ancestors and chicken out, a little black girl, no older than 8 years old, pushed past me, got into one of the tubes and looked me straight in the eye in order to make it absolutely clear to me that although I had the testicles, she had the balls. At that moment, I realized that if I did not enter The Death Slide that very moment, this small child would virtually own me till the end of time. I got in the tube.
I regretted it instantly. What I had not known was that as soon as I entered, the door would shut and audibly lock. Then a voice would come in through hidden speakers in the tube and start a countdown. As the voice counted down I found that there was a small window at the bottom of the floor which showed a dark, watery oblivion and just as I arrived at the conclusion that I'd made a terrible error, the floor, quite suddenly, ceased to be a floor.
I screamed like a bitch.
