Monkeys, Capuchin monkeys especially, are known to be generally lovely, if slightly impish creatures as portrayed in cutesy films like Night at the Museum and such. This is a lie. This is the biggest motherfucking lie in media.
Capuchin monkeys, especially the monkeys used in cinema are the meanest motherfuckers I have ever met, and I should know because my uncle had one.
My uncle works in props. He supplies movies with the weird shit they require: gramophone? Got it. Printer from the 1980's? No prob. A live monkey? Sure, fuck it. As a result of this he has the coolest room in the universe. I have at different points in time found the following in his room at my grandparent's house: an Indiana Jones style satchel (with a scroll inside), a typewriter, a ninja star, a half-eaten chicken and (of course) a living, breathing Capuchin monkey. My uncle, being a fan of Japanese food, named this little simian denizen of destruction Miso, after the soup.
He needed the monkey for some weird obscure Jordanian movie about some lady getting stoned, or
being stoned, I'm not sure. Regardless the monkey was not good with dealing with stress of acting or dealing with crowds and took to eating cigarettes to cope. My uncle (who happened to be a smoker) would often leave a pack of Marlborough's on the desk in his room. Miso (who lived in the room) would sneak up to the table...
open the pack and eat a few cigarettes...
and then get crazy high on the nicotine.
This would ordinarily be alright, except that the monkey was a complete asshole. Upon getting really high Miso would go totally batshit insane. He would leap around the room shitting on everything, screaming and biting people. My grandma fucking hated the animal.
The real issue came about 2 months after the monkey's début at granny's house. He started to be able to open the door. Naturally, being an asshole who just happened to be either high or experiencing nicotine withdrawal, Miso often broke out of the room and would wreak havoc until being recaptured and detained in my uncle's room. One Wednesday everyone was out for once. The room had been inadvertently been left unlocked and Miso, using the much underestimated power of opposable thumbs, opened the door and crept out of the house like a teenager on a beer run.
Little known fact about my grandmother's house: located right next to a Preschool/Daycare centre. Well known fact about monkeys: attracted to bright colours, especially when high. The hairy little bastard waddled across the street, to the brightly coloured Preschool/Daycare and leaped into the play-area where the children were currently having their play time in the bright rainbow coloured jungle gym. This monkey was, let me reiterate, uncomfortable with crowds and loud noises (2 things small children excel at) and also, to reiterate once more, high as fuck on nicotine and extremely aggressive. It did not end well for a couple of 2 year olds and some teachers. The police confiscated the little twat and we haven't seen him since.
My uncle works in props. He supplies movies with the weird shit they require: gramophone? Got it. Printer from the 1980's? No prob. A live monkey? Sure, fuck it. As a result of this he has the coolest room in the universe. I have at different points in time found the following in his room at my grandparent's house: an Indiana Jones style satchel (with a scroll inside), a typewriter, a ninja star, a half-eaten chicken and (of course) a living, breathing Capuchin monkey. My uncle, being a fan of Japanese food, named this little simian denizen of destruction Miso, after the soup.
He needed the monkey for some weird obscure Jordanian movie about some lady getting stoned, or
being stoned, I'm not sure. Regardless the monkey was not good with dealing with stress of acting or dealing with crowds and took to eating cigarettes to cope. My uncle (who happened to be a smoker) would often leave a pack of Marlborough's on the desk in his room. Miso (who lived in the room) would sneak up to the table...
open the pack and eat a few cigarettes...
and then get crazy high on the nicotine.
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| What is drugs |
The real issue came about 2 months after the monkey's début at granny's house. He started to be able to open the door. Naturally, being an asshole who just happened to be either high or experiencing nicotine withdrawal, Miso often broke out of the room and would wreak havoc until being recaptured and detained in my uncle's room. One Wednesday everyone was out for once. The room had been inadvertently been left unlocked and Miso, using the much underestimated power of opposable thumbs, opened the door and crept out of the house like a teenager on a beer run.
Little known fact about my grandmother's house: located right next to a Preschool/Daycare centre. Well known fact about monkeys: attracted to bright colours, especially when high. The hairy little bastard waddled across the street, to the brightly coloured Preschool/Daycare and leaped into the play-area where the children were currently having their play time in the bright rainbow coloured jungle gym. This monkey was, let me reiterate, uncomfortable with crowds and loud noises (2 things small children excel at) and also, to reiterate once more, high as fuck on nicotine and extremely aggressive. It did not end well for a couple of 2 year olds and some teachers. The police confiscated the little twat and we haven't seen him since.
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