Fuck Assemblies

Assemblies are the useless forced gatherings most schools participate in for no apparent reason. Assemblies usually take place for one of three reasons:
-Some illiterate motherfucker decided that sending an e-mail is too hard
-A school-wide scolding for something that could have been resolved with one well placed punishment
-Some activity or ceremony or something

My school is remarkably awful at presenting all 3 of these. The almost humorously boring, cluttered assemblies that try to cram a semester of bullshit into a single, one hour fuckfest of information do much more than merely annoy me. They inspire an almost psychotic hatred withing me that strives to demolish anything done by the school ever again. This is probably because they are so clumsily organized, idiotically planned and moronically presented.

Allow me to introduce Zuzu, our koala bear-like counselor.

He is an idiot. Actually no ,allow me to reiterate, I perceive him as an idiot because of one substance abuse assembly he gave. This assembly was not only boring, not only useless but actually counter-effective by getting me to want to try marijuana. He first basically told us: "listen here you ninth grade little shits, here's a movie about the least damaging drug, marijuana." The movie basically repeated "marijuana is addictive, do not do it" around 50 times in a lame attempt to brainwash us, all the while showing us videos of people smoking pot at parties and looking like they are enjoying themselves immensely. After watching this I wanted to try pot, not only to spite Zuzu, but because it looked like such fun.

Now we fast forward a few years, the Arabic teacher, Ms. Hun (like Attila the Hun),

has provided us with a guest speaker to speak to us about the real meaning of citizenship and nationality. To his credit the man was well spoken and made sense, even if he was a little boring. Question time comes up and one of the class morons asks "are you a traitor if you leave (immigrate from) your country?". The speaker "begins with "No, no, why would you be? if economy or health permits you to then by all means leave."

 Now, Attila the Hun was known for tearing his victims apart limb from limb by hand. Ms. Hun looked like she would do that to the speaker. She bust into the conversation like an angry rhinoceros and proceeded to subtly tell off the guest speaker in the form of a thinly veiled question, basically stating that "you cannot leave your country, ever. I don't care if you are unhappy and dying of super cancer diabetes, the cure of which is outside of the country. You must stay... forever" and the man, being courteous and respectful of the schools brainwashing played along. Probably making a mental note to never visit this school ever again. This astounded me, I mean, you bring the guy so that he can reveal to the students his hard earned opinion and knowledge, then chastise him and attempt to replace it with your own in order to continue your personal agenda.
How rude.

Nix

Many of the teachers in our school have an alarming habit of being ummm... strange. Some show their strangeness through rage, others through awesomeness but the vast majority manifest it through mood swings more random and diverse than the most hormone shot teenager ever recorded in human history. Nix displays all of these.

Nix Spinach is our chemistry teacher, he looks like this.

Have you ever seen those films with the monk who one second can barely move and is karate chopping his way through ninjas the next. Nix is like that with his ruler. The weapon of his choice can turn the usually ill-tempered but harmless Nix into a volatile knight in milliseconds.

Nix owns a cat. He (unlike most Jordanians) neither fears them, nor regards them as disgusting. This is why when a cat randomly waltzed into the Administration, he was the gallant warrior who took charge. He went over,bravely and lovingly picked up the cat, and tossed it out of the window. Our horror as bystanders was apparently evident as he felt the need to reassure us:

  

Hellspawn Cousins

As you progress through the awkward phase of teenagerdom you get less friendly and more impatient. between the ages of 13-15 the teenager undergoes a metamorphosis that  changes them from lovable children, to spotty, ill tempered assholes. It seems that as you reach the age of 13, your relatives suddenly decide to get as many children as biologically possible so that before you know it instead of looking at a baby with eyes filled with childlike wonder, you are soon (2 years later) looking at innumerable drooling little hooligans. Personally, as the eldest of my family and the one currently near the peak of my hormone boosted constant anger i have to deal with no less than 6 little terrors; Drooly, Scardey Cat, Hyper

, Annoying and the Destructive Duo. They are currently arranged in ascending order of annoyance.

Anybody who has ever said that twins are cute has never actually had to deal with twins. The DD feel like they outnumber you and that it matters, this gives them the illusion that whatever they do, no matter how annoying they outnumber you which gives them an automatic win in any situation. The thing that makes these two particularly annoying is that they honestly believe that everything on earth belongs to them,
"but guys this is my laptop, i love it, you just saw it today"
"NO MINE"
And what they cannot have, they throw. Not necessarily destroy, nooo, they just take it and whoosh! it flies through the air. Many an antique was lost this way. I had never actually wanted to punch a child before them, but now i'm not so sure.

Annoying is a kid that thinks he is charming, strong and hilarious. He is not. He is an annoying little shit that
walks around with a smug expression and a better than everybody attitude. And God forbid any game played is won by anybody else, no! every game played with anybody ever he MUST win. Even if he doesn't actually win; he has won. Probably because if he doesn't win, he goes for the nuts.

Hyper is the most hyperactive little lunatic I have even heard of. Were it not for his relative ability to LISTEN he would be the top on my list. Hyper is not allowed any sugar or small animals (it ended very badly, with a lot of crying, I still shudder when I think of that poor hamster). He always ends his sentences with "right?" for no apparent reason and if you ever thinks to question the "right?" they will get a nonsensical argument from a 3 year old to why exactly he is right and you are wrong. if you continue to persist that he is wrong, he will scream, and God help us if he screams. The kid has the lungs of a heavy metal superstar and the voice of a panicked hamster.

Scardey Cat is the cutest baby ever born. His hair is like angel silk, his crying is almost melodic and his smile makes angels cry tears of joy. And for some reason he is totally terrified of me. This is extremely annoying, the only cute thing among monsters hates and fears me for no apparent reason! WHY ME?! Eventually he will ascend to heaven and truly become one with the universe.

Drooly is a fat little thing that waddles around the room and drools on stuff. And that's all he does. Drool. Drool on people, animals, inanimate objects and himself. He reminds me of a penguin. but with more slobber. I believe someday, he will be a genius.

Dogs in Jordan

On the subject of dogs the small country of Jordan is perplexed. Due to unison of religion and state the entire country is quite unsure of what to think about dogs. One one side the Quran says dogs are dirty, but on the other it says to treat all animals with care and respect; and as confusion usually does this bred a new emotion for Jordanians to feel about dogs. Pant-shitting terror.

Allow me to elaborate. Having any dog in Jordan (even stupid looking toy dogs) breeds much the same feeling from other civilians as having an enormous pitbull with an extra arm attached to his teeth usually would. They perceive all dogs with abject terror and their owners with the respect specially reserved for those who own weapons of mass destruction. This abject terror leads Jordanians to abuse dogs, which leads to the dogs biting and causing more even more terror than before.

One time my family and I were on a hike to what we called "Crazy Castle"; a castle built by an architect who didn't understand that regal does not come in brown swirls. It kind of looks like The Kremlin except without the good taste. It was my mother, father, brother, myself and our enormous German Shepherd Peppers.

Peppers was the most lovable dog in the history of dogdom. He slobbered, followed commands and was always happy, he never bit anyone. Anyway we broke into Crazy Castle through a hole in the fence and soon began checking out the ugly (and empty) interior. While commenting on how ugly it was an unfamiliar face poked out of the staircase and began shouting things along the lines of "get out", "trespassers" and "you're not supposed to be here".

The guard continued along this path until the dog bobbed along happily next to us, content with his little exploration. The guard paled, really went white and soon the only sound was the dogs' happy slobbering. The first words out of his mouth were:

. We decided that we would like to continue exploring so we went for "oh yes. on command."

The man then proceeded to respectfully tell us to please leave once done with our exploration. We explored a bit but bored with this place, we left through the much more convenient front door accompanied by a goodbye and "have a safe journey" from the guard.

Respect.

Special Places

As a child in Amman, Jordan you had two day to day activities; watch TV or play football in the street, but like all children we had special places. Whereas you might have grown up with an arcade or cinema we grew up with a water park an umm playplace... thing, they were both ridiculously fun to our little minds.

The water park "Amman Waves" was a mind blowing place; and by mind blowing I mean extremely unsanitary and hilariously dangerous. Amman Waves was a pretty small water park with four rusted, cruddy slides, a doctor who barely showed up and a suspiciously yellow wave pool.

Other attractions included a few near toxic restaurants and one monkey in a 1 x 1 circular cage. That monkey (affectionately named Fatass) was the main attraction of the park.

Nobody went to ride shitty slides or sit in the diseased yellow pool. You went to look at that chronically depressed, ill treated Fatass sitting in the crappy cage. Everyone got a turn playing with Fatass, feeding him popcorn (until you leaned too close and he snatched the whole box). Hell, I once shared a slush with Fatass. (You don't want to know, it was very disgusting, involved only one straw and a lot of licking. My parents pretended they didn't know me.)

The playplace was the happy place of every Jordanian child. It was called Jungle Bungle. Say that out loud, go on say it. See even the name is fun, and ooh Jungle Bungle was. Jungle Bungle was composed of two parts; the outside garden (the loser area) and the inner area. The inner area was divided into a snack bar with the kind of snacks that look good but taste like cardboard

and an enormous jungle gym. The play area was a floor covered by dirty old balls and a platform that had a rope. The platform led to some suspended floors with ripped safety nets. One floor led to what we referred to as The Black Room,

a room with all black walls  that would somehow show terrifying things when you closed your eyes (it completely traumatized me, I completely blocked it out of my memory) and one of them led to the most terrifying slide ever created by mankind which deposited you into the dirty ball pit.

Using some like kind of secret ninja technique with the suspended floors you could get to a derelict extra activity that was never finished, It had faces painted on the walls that haunt my nightmares till now.
It was crazy fun.

 

I Hate

I'm human, I have human emotions. I feel sad, happy,insecure, hyper and very, very often I feel angry. Not the ordinary anger that comes from watching stupidity or seeing something unsettling; but the deep set
loathing feeling that spews forth from hatred. I feel this anger often, about 3-8 times a day, and can connect with people through using this hate to gain a shared attribute, I have made most of my friends through this hate

(and it probably says something highly disturbing about human nature).

I am not a particularly sane person, I too share with the random, irrational hatred of inanimate objects. One of these things are lamps; I hate them, I'm not sure why but I have a strong feeling that if lamps gained sentience, they would probably be annoying.

I hate UP2U gum. I could probably do an entire post on how much I hate UP2U gum but summarized my reasons are; It is a retarded concept (if I want gum I'll freakin
buy the flavor I want),they spell the name in all caps, all caps should not be used outside chat rooms, and finally the color of the packet makes me lose my gum appetite, it is an ugly green that belongs on the walls of a badly painted hospital.

I hate birds (the tiny chirpy ones)

, I once had two birds,they got eggs, then willingly killed their birdlets and ate them. I hate lipstick;this is completely irrational. I hate dry dog food; it looks like crap, smells like crap and I strongly believe that it probably tastes like crap.

And finally, I really hate with all my soul; Chihuahuas.

Chihuahuas are the spawn of the devil, they are disgusting little things with no good use and are completely unloveable. They look like an experiment to breed friendly rats gone horrifyingly wrong and act like an ugly squeaky toy that squeaks itself, and they keep shivering for no clear reason,
"Are you okay little doggie? are you cold?"
"(retarded gurgling noise I assume is a bark)"
If I ever get the chance, I would kick a nervous barking chihuahua just to see how far it would fly.      

Jordanian Fashion

As previously revealed I live in a third world middle eastern country named Jordan; now Jordan is culturally divided into three factions; the overwhelmingly enormous Hafartali faction, the large America Wannabes' and the small "ordinary" faction that sits in the middle terrified of the other two. The "ordinaries" are, well, normal people; head scarves are optional, they change outfits every once in a while (I will get back  this later) and listen to both Arabic and English music without complain. Basically they are normal.

The American Wannabes' refuse to listen to Arab music, chase down brands relentlessly, refuse to do
anything not sanctioned by the GREAT STATE OF 'MURICA and (possibly most horrifying) dye their hair neon blonde.

 But this is not about the large but minority group of American Wannabes', nonono this is about the average Arab individual you will see in the capital, this is about what we call the Hafartal

The average young Jordanian male has two pairs of footwear, one pair of slippers (changed every few years for reasons of hygiene), and one pair of pointy black shoes for weddings. He will also have a variety of ugly shirts with sweat stains and a couple of football tees of his favorite player or team. If he is classy he will have one cheap tux. He will have at least one vat of extra large hair gel, one comb and one pair of knockoff Ray-Bans that he will use for fancy occasions such as dates, the sunglasses will always be the strange droopy style that only very hairy men perceive as attractive. He will have numerous pairs of crappy jeans and two pairs of shorts; one football themed, one not. He will always have a 5:00 shadow no matter how many times he shaves and will style his hair spiky until it falls out at the age of 30, at which point he will begin to look like Danny Devito but without the charm, and with a pedo-stache.  He will shout many catcalls at passing young women, literally translated these are usually "Whats up, duck?!", "What are these curves, female goat?!?!" and (this next one is pretty old, I heard it from my grandmother) "Your love is in my heart like the dancing of mules!!!"

Women in the Hafartali faction are a little bit harder to pin down, often they are divided into three groups; Ninja, Scary and Lebanese Secretary. The Ninja group are those women who wear plain black curtains, black gloves, and look hilarious when eating spaghetti.

The Scary group is composed of large, elderly, married women sometimes in headscarves, decked out in single color mumus who look suspiciously manly and scare the ever-loving shit out of me. They remind me of escaped convicts hiding out.

I know that name might seem sexist but I have never seen them work as anything else, ever. They are young women (usually the recipients of the catcalls) who fake Lebanese accents and wear jeans so tight I am surprised they can move without a wheelchair, decked out in every type of makeup and are constantly on the phone, but the funny thing is that many of these women wear headscarves and do not quite get the idea that very long hair and a headscarf do not go together and proceed to tie their hair in an "uber death bun" which bulges out the back. They remind me of Ki-Adi-Mundi from Star Wars.

I Hate The History Channel

Everybody has a channel they hate; some hate Disney, others FOX and others HBO, but the channel i hate is The History Channel.The History Channel gives us 98% crap shows claiming that pawnshops, guns and geriatric trucks are integral parts of human history and development and 2% real history which i love with all my soul. There are three main reasons why i feel the director of The History Channel should be thrown naked from a helicopter into the South Pole.

 1. Real history is much more interesting than crappy trucks. I would much rather watch a long running show about the conquests of the mongols than a long running show about repairing junk taken from the cold dead hands of an old hobo.

2. Although the world wars are very important historical events, they are not the only thing to ever happen in the history of the world.
3. Ancient Aliens. just Ancient Aliens. This is a reason on its own.

I have an intense hatred for Ancient Aliens that is hotter than 10,000 suns. Ancient Aliens pisses me off because it is a gathering of pretentious dipshits, preaching their theories without any conclusive evidence more damning than " this ancient drawing is disproportionate and looks kind of wonky, THEREFORE IT MUST BE AN ALIEN!!!!!" Ancient Aliens is a gathering of every failed writer and crackpot conspiracy theorist being given their own show; i have never seen a single scientist or archaeologist on the show. Ever. They are all UFO enthusiasts rejected for being a bit too insane by people who very seriously believe that Gluten is from off planet, Napoleon was abducted by aliens and modern day white trash zones are the ultimate in alien meeting places.

But really i might forgive this if it wasn't for the fact that they give the explanation for ANY unknown phenomenon and human achievement as being the work of extraterrestrials.
"Magnetic rocks are arranged in shapes in the middle of nowhere, ALIEN LANDING PAD!!!!!"
" Many ancient religions show intercourse between gods and humans, MUST BE ALIENS GENETIC MODIFICATION!!!!!"
" Pythagoras theorem is used before he is born, ALIENS MUST HAVE HELPED OUT!!!!!"
 (These are all real examples by the way)
"a cat crosses the road, we don't know why, IT MUST BE AN ALIEN!!!!!"

I am totally and utterly sick of watching middle aged men with uncontrollable hair and weak thin goatees blaming every myth, legend or unexplained event on "extraterrestrials". I mean what does extra terrestrials even mean, like actually mean; Terra is Latin for Earth and according to the Merriam Webster dictionary terrestrial means " of or relating to the earth or its inhabitants", so does extraterrestrial mean extra human?

I feel if aliens actually do visit in the future, if they somehow find Ancient Aliens they will be at least highly creeped out if not sickened; like visiting a new friends house and finding a closet full of your toenails, painstakingly arranged and stored in jars next to stalker photographs of yourself.

My Introduction to Pokemon

My school, although in a third world country was like most schools; nobody drove a camel there, we had a gymnasium, a parking lot and a playground, and in that playground we like many other schools, had gangs. But unlike other schools, who had numerous gangs of 16 year old menaces to society, we had two gangs of 3rd graders. The Pokemon gang which was composed of three poor little shits and the immense star wars gang.

There were regular gang battles(much to the Pokemon gangs dismay)that usually ended with preemptive detention and a ban on fraternizing with the enemy. Being the curious bugger i was,one recess I crept up to them (thinking i was the sneakiest life-form ever conceived) and began my investigation on these
"losers"

My infiltration was to me... Successful, but as with most half assed sappy movies, eventually we became fast
friends, as close as Jackie Chan and that black guy.

Although that was my introduction to the word Pokemon, you would have to fast forward four years into the future to a fateful Thursday to find me undergo the mental transition of Pokemon changing from an anime about a kid who sounds like he's been gargling razor blades to an epic game that turns cute animals into gladiators fighting for your pleasure with the loser being robbed of his dignity and money

and it all began with Pokemon Colosseum 2, a controller in my hand and a test of loyalty to the old gang. (Y'know what, i have tried three analogies to attempt to describe the speed and brutality of my turning against my old gang, none were remotely funny. i just turned against my old gang very quickly and brutally) . I was scared though, it really was terrifying to me,a whole new experience. I felt i needed a tether to attach me to what i know. That tether was Chewbacca. When i saw the legendary beast of fire, for some reason i thought: this guy could totally rip out a few Stormtroopers arms out, and so Chewbacca II was born. As i got more absorbed I developed new loves, but my heart will always be with Chewbacca.

Ways I Annoy People

In every playground, classroom or even workplace, there is a certain person, a person who is particularly skilled at the art of annoyance, a communal asshole if you will, the kind of person who has the incredible power to irk even the most level headed of people with jokes that may ,or may not, ever change. In my little community, I am that person and here is what you could call, these are three examples of my best material:

The Haggis Seductive Dance:
I am not a bully, with all the jokes i make, i still care for my victims, my jokes are very specific to the individual to whom they are addressed, which brings us to the seductive Haggis dance which is simply a seductive belly dance, preformed by a male who has no dancing skills or knowledge of how to belly dance done to a very religious male who gets very nervous and very sweaty very easily. the steps are as follows:






Step One:
One hand on undercheeks, one hand on nipple, sway slightly.

Step Two:
Move the undercheek hand to other nipple, sway freakily and make creep face

Step Three:
One hand on the back of the head, one hand on tit, tongue out, wiggle eyebrows and sway furiously repeat as necessary.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OLLIE BOYEEEE:

At some point back in seventh grade, almost three years ago, Ollie preformed a mini-skit in front of the whole drama class that went a little like this:
"Ollie: Mother i have some bad news...
Ollie in falsetto: What's wrong did you get raped by a
dolphin again?"
That was the joke; and since it was seventh grade it was insanely hilarious but from it, i have derived 3 years worth of Ollie Boy the dolphin rapist jokes; on his birthday i get him stuffed dolphins and during Christmas
time i sing the dolphin rape carols such as:
Oliver's a Dolphin Rapist:
Ollie Boys a dolphin rapist
falalalala,lalalala
Feel the smoothness of that dolphin
falalalalalalalalala
Don we now our rape apparel
Trolling the ancient christams carol
falalalalalalalalalalala
and so on...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life Stories:
The Life Stories are a very dear invention of mine, done in a period of unbelievable boredom. They are in essence stories that go from graduation of my victims to their deaths, Fabulous hair victim Alami became a hairdresser and was ditched in an old folks at the age of 50 by his kid since he's as clingy as super-glued Velcro, Ollie Boy opens a dolphin rape circus and thrives on the perversions of people, and turns into the antichrist when his favorite dies. But my best work is that of Haggis, (i'm sorry he's the perfect victim, just listing his qualities, fat, devout, sweaty, kindle sheikh is enough to make fun of him):

Haggis started off with the choice of either joining the mosque or graduating from university

The choice was easy, mosque.

Five times a day he would get on the altar, read The Quran from his amazon kindle and sweat. If any.... urges arose he always had his broom. (I don't really know how that works). eventually he married the broom and had little broom children.

But eventually the broom was no longer happy with this arrangement; it wanted more out of life. So the broom took her/its little things and went on an airplane to The Philippines, but Haggis could not live without his...erm.. family and went to the runway to stop their departure, but was run over by the plane. A combination of his sweaty body and Gods love for him allowed the plane to slip on him and ensured his survival.

He became rich and famous on advertising deals.

After becoming rich and famous he made the mistake of buying a sauna and sweated to death.