I don't get people who hate indiscriminately. Blanket statements like "I hate idiots/ Muslims/ blacks/ liberals...etc" make no sense to me. I don't mind people of any race, gender, creed, ideology, or intelligence level, unless they're assholes, or if they're fucking dense. In my opinion: a dense person is a someone who knowingly or unknowingly creates discord through inability or unwillingness to properly observe the world around them. I have been dense, as have most people, but it takes a very special kind of person to be willingly dense. To be willingly dense you need to be able to see exactly what is going on around you, and decide that your desires are more important than anybody else's. In other words, a total cunt.
Midge was willingly dense.
I am almost as amazed by the fact that Midge has not collapsed into a black hole as I am by the fact that she has not yet been stabbed. Midge has managed to combine, by some sick miracle of genetics and upbringing, qualities that are about as enjoyable as a rat smoothie. She is, in a sense, like a sock made entirely out of splinters: a bad idea given physical form. To add to that she possesses the sort of self righteous slacktivist mentality that originally comes off as admirable, but slowly shows itself to be just a hidden stroking of the ego. This is combined with a complete and total disregard for those around her in her white knight pursuit for personal satisfaction, and is topped off by a completely defective Sketch-Detector; that is to say, she's about as street-smart as roadkill.
This mesh of unbearability was discovered one night on a certain accursed beach. The university I attend happens to be less than a kilometre away from a hexed nude beach. I don't use the term hexed lightly, but there's something about this beach that mystically attracts weirdos like yoga mats, shitty tattoos, and badly written books about healing crystals. Midge, Diego, and I carried down a hookah and some weed and invited a few people over. Diego is a lovely guy who looks like the product of the union of the two main characters of Regular Show and tends to freak out over little shit. Midge looks like a goth who failed the height requirement so settled for being quirky. We also invited a guy called Mii, and his girlfriend Meme; both of whom are mainly characterized by being freakishly tall connoisseurs of memes. Mii and Meme were late so we decided to light a campfire, wait for a little while, crack open a few beers, and talk for a bit.
This was when I discovered that Midge was as good a judge of character as she was at being over 140 centimetres tall (hint: she's not). She explained to us how here first friends at the university bought and smoked weed from a homeless man and did not inform her. She called it "sparky." Sparky is not a descriptor for any drugs you should be smoking. Sparky is a name for a fucking Cocker Spaniel. Just Say No. That's when we were first approached by Him.
From a distance I thought he was a black guy since his face was completely dark, as he got closer I suspected he'd rubbed charcoal over his face or something. I was wrong on both accounts. A strange beanie'd man with tattooed on blackface approached us and asked "Are you reppin?" followed by "Are you part of any gangs", and finally concluded with "Thought not, heh", like some sort of drugged out anime villain. I burst out laughing. It was such a ridiculously surreal experience that I couldn't help myself, I was hurriedly shushed by the other two. The rando continued down the beach and found some other person to harass.
A good half an hour later He returned to our makeshift camp and sat with us, asking us if he could stay. I have a great many issues, but a defective Sketch Detector isn't one, and neither is an inability to tell people to fuck off. I exercised both of those skills and proceed to spout bullshit so hard that my anus remains prolapsed to this day. He left. That's when Midge uttered five idiotic words, "we might see you in the future."
I'd like to take a moment to point out that to strange beach people with full-facial-tattoos "we might see you in the future" probably isn't rhetorical.
Mii and Meme arrived shortly after the dude left. We sat around the fire telling stories and jokes, cracked open a few beers, and gave NASA a fucking run for its money. Diego put on some snazzy tunes. Free conversation filled the air and a very chilled mood occupied the site. The couple eventually started cuddling and referencing either obscure memes or strange sexual acts (I'm still not sure) and I peed on (yes on) the ocean while screaming "FUCK YOU OCEAN" at it in a show of defiance towards mother nature. What followed might be considered the karmic effects of pissing off, or on, Mother Nature.
Around an hour later I spotted a dark shape approach our clearing. It was Him. The shock at having a complete rando approach our site was greatly magnified by it being the very same rando that I told to fuck off only a short while ago.
"You guys said I could come back later." He said
Mii, having not seen the man previously, said "I think you're mistaken, it might be another group."
This was when Midge proved to me that honesty is not the best policy.
"No, it's us." She said.
Dear reader, I am condensing the above conversation for two purposes. One: I don't remember exactly how it went down, and two: this conversation initiated the start of the FT(facial-tat)'s guilt tripping of Midge, and I have too much respect for you to subject you to that absolute drivel (it was the standard "I've got nowhere to go" spiel). I'm immune to guilt tripping. Other than having the emotional capacity of a rock and being completely devoid of shame, I've been slowly conditioned by my environment in Jordan to be immune to guilt-tripping; especially given that it is the number one tool of merchants and parents alike to get you to do/buy something that you don't want to do or need to buy. That is why I instantly recognized the FT's lies for what they were: basic emotional manipulation, and I'd rather eat a sandpaper sandwich than be emotionally manipulated by some random cunt on a beach at 10 PM. If you're gonna emotionally manipulate me, at least take me out to dinner for fuck's sake.
Midge, of course, fell for it like a lemming. Seeing as this man was going to stick around, I decided to ignore my rapidly beeping Sketch-Detector and ask this guy about himself. What's the worst that could happen?
"Hey man, what's your story, where you from, what do you do" I asked
"Oh, I'm a guest tattoo artist. heh" -He said
"That's cool, where are you tattooing now?"
"Oh, at home. heh"
"Huh... uhm cool. Where did you get your start?" I asked, growing a bit suspicious
"At home, yeah. heh"
"Hey, what's your name anyway?"
"Felix the Cat."
I usually have a thing against using real names in my posts, but that's dependant on the names not being Felix the goddamn Cat. In my state of complete shock I barely even registered the fact that Midge had started a genuine conversation with this man by asking him how long he's been Felix the motherfucking Cat.
I'd like to take a moment to say that we were in no state to handle this situation. The least affected among us was consciously aware of their hair follicles. Diego especially was not ready to deal with life. He was getting paranoid and skittish and began to wildly gesture to me that we should most totally vamoose. I didn't want that. This was my territory. I set up a hookah. I built a fire. I had been having a good time. I wasn't ready or willing to let that go. On a much less important note I didn't want to ditch Midge with an insane man on the beach late at night. Mii and Meme, by the way, were akin to my hemorrhoids from that point onward. Present, but not particularly relevant.
This was when I decided to go on the offensive. I first tried to do this subtly by telling him "Hey, my friend gets uncomfortable while high around strangers..." This was entirely true, Diego was absolutely frightened by the presence of a homeless schizophrenic who had identified himself as Felix the Cat, and being extremely high generally does not help in this situation.
"Oh I'm no stranger" replied Felix
Before being able to process the answer, let alone point out to him that he was the exact definition of a stranger, Midge started to make this man feel welcome once again by tying him up in a conversation. A conversation which, by the way, was characterized by his telling us his aspirations to join culinary school, followed by his ambitions to get a job at CERN. The conversation was ended rather abruptly when he flashed us his stomach in an attempt to show us a half-finished homemade tattoo of a cross. The dialogue then continued as a monologue of five extremely high college students, four of whom were currently in varying stages of terror and discomfort, listening closely to a fat fully tatted permanently blackface'd insane homeless man named Felix the Cat lecture about the use of cellphones as mind-control devices.
Midway through the conversation between Diego's gestures towards me indicating a deep seated emotional need to leave, and Mii and Meme's blank stares that said more than words ever could; Midge finally said something helpful: "I think there's a hostel near here..." Hope blossomed in my chest. I don't think I'd ever, up to that point and till this day, felt such a rush of pure joyful emotions at having the sudden opportunity to tell a guy to make like a tree and leaf. My elation was cut short when Midge continued with "we'll take you there." Emotionally, I now know how Lucifer felt when he fell from Heaven.
Being just enough of a good person to not leave a small weak person alone with an insane homeless man in the middle of the night on a secluded beach has its drawbacks. The biggest one is that you have to remain on the fucking beach until an elderly man in full hiking gear informs you that he has found bear tracks in the forest adjacent to the beach, presumably not in the relative direction of pic-a-nic baskets, and it would be provident to get the fuck out of there.
We escorted Felix the Cat to the hostel and Midge started negotiating with the reception staff. Obviously hesitant to allow a person with Felix the Cat's appearance into the establishment, they asked him for an address and phone number. He gave them the name of a city and ad-libbed a phone number. I know the phone number was ad-libbed because the reception dude recited the number back to Felix and added in a cheeky two somewhere in the middle. Felix didn't notice and was told that they were fully booked. Midge continued waving around her credit card for another 10 minutes.This was when I decided that I'd had enough. This person was safe, despite being a moron, and I could leave. I walked over and told her I had an early class the next morning.
This was when Midge actually surprised me as a human being. Apparently her waving around of the credit card was a genuine and true action. She told me that she had a responsibility to this man, apologised for inconveniencing us because she couldn't compromise her values for her, or our, comfort. She concluded by telling us that we could go, but she was staying because even if she couldn't help this man forever; she could help him tonight, and that was a change for the better in a society that doesn't care for or respect the homeless as people.
Nah, I'm just fucking with you. She looked up at me, then at the reception and said: "Me too, you deal with him."
Midge was willingly dense.
I am almost as amazed by the fact that Midge has not collapsed into a black hole as I am by the fact that she has not yet been stabbed. Midge has managed to combine, by some sick miracle of genetics and upbringing, qualities that are about as enjoyable as a rat smoothie. She is, in a sense, like a sock made entirely out of splinters: a bad idea given physical form. To add to that she possesses the sort of self righteous slacktivist mentality that originally comes off as admirable, but slowly shows itself to be just a hidden stroking of the ego. This is combined with a complete and total disregard for those around her in her white knight pursuit for personal satisfaction, and is topped off by a completely defective Sketch-Detector; that is to say, she's about as street-smart as roadkill.
This mesh of unbearability was discovered one night on a certain accursed beach. The university I attend happens to be less than a kilometre away from a hexed nude beach. I don't use the term hexed lightly, but there's something about this beach that mystically attracts weirdos like yoga mats, shitty tattoos, and badly written books about healing crystals. Midge, Diego, and I carried down a hookah and some weed and invited a few people over. Diego is a lovely guy who looks like the product of the union of the two main characters of Regular Show and tends to freak out over little shit. Midge looks like a goth who failed the height requirement so settled for being quirky. We also invited a guy called Mii, and his girlfriend Meme; both of whom are mainly characterized by being freakishly tall connoisseurs of memes. Mii and Meme were late so we decided to light a campfire, wait for a little while, crack open a few beers, and talk for a bit.
This was when I discovered that Midge was as good a judge of character as she was at being over 140 centimetres tall (hint: she's not). She explained to us how here first friends at the university bought and smoked weed from a homeless man and did not inform her. She called it "sparky." Sparky is not a descriptor for any drugs you should be smoking. Sparky is a name for a fucking Cocker Spaniel. Just Say No. That's when we were first approached by Him.
From a distance I thought he was a black guy since his face was completely dark, as he got closer I suspected he'd rubbed charcoal over his face or something. I was wrong on both accounts. A strange beanie'd man with tattooed on blackface approached us and asked "Are you reppin?" followed by "Are you part of any gangs", and finally concluded with "Thought not, heh", like some sort of drugged out anime villain. I burst out laughing. It was such a ridiculously surreal experience that I couldn't help myself, I was hurriedly shushed by the other two. The rando continued down the beach and found some other person to harass.
A good half an hour later He returned to our makeshift camp and sat with us, asking us if he could stay. I have a great many issues, but a defective Sketch Detector isn't one, and neither is an inability to tell people to fuck off. I exercised both of those skills and proceed to spout bullshit so hard that my anus remains prolapsed to this day. He left. That's when Midge uttered five idiotic words, "we might see you in the future."
I'd like to take a moment to point out that to strange beach people with full-facial-tattoos "we might see you in the future" probably isn't rhetorical.
Mii and Meme arrived shortly after the dude left. We sat around the fire telling stories and jokes, cracked open a few beers, and gave NASA a fucking run for its money. Diego put on some snazzy tunes. Free conversation filled the air and a very chilled mood occupied the site. The couple eventually started cuddling and referencing either obscure memes or strange sexual acts (I'm still not sure) and I peed on (yes on) the ocean while screaming "FUCK YOU OCEAN" at it in a show of defiance towards mother nature. What followed might be considered the karmic effects of pissing off, or on, Mother Nature.
Around an hour later I spotted a dark shape approach our clearing. It was Him. The shock at having a complete rando approach our site was greatly magnified by it being the very same rando that I told to fuck off only a short while ago.
"You guys said I could come back later." He said
Mii, having not seen the man previously, said "I think you're mistaken, it might be another group."
This was when Midge proved to me that honesty is not the best policy.
"No, it's us." She said.
Dear reader, I am condensing the above conversation for two purposes. One: I don't remember exactly how it went down, and two: this conversation initiated the start of the FT(facial-tat)'s guilt tripping of Midge, and I have too much respect for you to subject you to that absolute drivel (it was the standard "I've got nowhere to go" spiel). I'm immune to guilt tripping. Other than having the emotional capacity of a rock and being completely devoid of shame, I've been slowly conditioned by my environment in Jordan to be immune to guilt-tripping; especially given that it is the number one tool of merchants and parents alike to get you to do/buy something that you don't want to do or need to buy. That is why I instantly recognized the FT's lies for what they were: basic emotional manipulation, and I'd rather eat a sandpaper sandwich than be emotionally manipulated by some random cunt on a beach at 10 PM. If you're gonna emotionally manipulate me, at least take me out to dinner for fuck's sake.
Midge, of course, fell for it like a lemming. Seeing as this man was going to stick around, I decided to ignore my rapidly beeping Sketch-Detector and ask this guy about himself. What's the worst that could happen?
"Hey man, what's your story, where you from, what do you do" I asked
"Oh, I'm a guest tattoo artist. heh" -He said
"That's cool, where are you tattooing now?"
"Oh, at home. heh"
"Huh... uhm cool. Where did you get your start?" I asked, growing a bit suspicious
"At home, yeah. heh"
"Hey, what's your name anyway?"
"Felix the Cat."
I usually have a thing against using real names in my posts, but that's dependant on the names not being Felix the goddamn Cat. In my state of complete shock I barely even registered the fact that Midge had started a genuine conversation with this man by asking him how long he's been Felix the motherfucking Cat.
I'd like to take a moment to say that we were in no state to handle this situation. The least affected among us was consciously aware of their hair follicles. Diego especially was not ready to deal with life. He was getting paranoid and skittish and began to wildly gesture to me that we should most totally vamoose. I didn't want that. This was my territory. I set up a hookah. I built a fire. I had been having a good time. I wasn't ready or willing to let that go. On a much less important note I didn't want to ditch Midge with an insane man on the beach late at night. Mii and Meme, by the way, were akin to my hemorrhoids from that point onward. Present, but not particularly relevant.
This was when I decided to go on the offensive. I first tried to do this subtly by telling him "Hey, my friend gets uncomfortable while high around strangers..." This was entirely true, Diego was absolutely frightened by the presence of a homeless schizophrenic who had identified himself as Felix the Cat, and being extremely high generally does not help in this situation.
"Oh I'm no stranger" replied Felix
Before being able to process the answer, let alone point out to him that he was the exact definition of a stranger, Midge started to make this man feel welcome once again by tying him up in a conversation. A conversation which, by the way, was characterized by his telling us his aspirations to join culinary school, followed by his ambitions to get a job at CERN. The conversation was ended rather abruptly when he flashed us his stomach in an attempt to show us a half-finished homemade tattoo of a cross. The dialogue then continued as a monologue of five extremely high college students, four of whom were currently in varying stages of terror and discomfort, listening closely to a fat fully tatted permanently blackface'd insane homeless man named Felix the Cat lecture about the use of cellphones as mind-control devices.
Midway through the conversation between Diego's gestures towards me indicating a deep seated emotional need to leave, and Mii and Meme's blank stares that said more than words ever could; Midge finally said something helpful: "I think there's a hostel near here..." Hope blossomed in my chest. I don't think I'd ever, up to that point and till this day, felt such a rush of pure joyful emotions at having the sudden opportunity to tell a guy to make like a tree and leaf. My elation was cut short when Midge continued with "we'll take you there." Emotionally, I now know how Lucifer felt when he fell from Heaven.
Being just enough of a good person to not leave a small weak person alone with an insane homeless man in the middle of the night on a secluded beach has its drawbacks. The biggest one is that you have to remain on the fucking beach until an elderly man in full hiking gear informs you that he has found bear tracks in the forest adjacent to the beach, presumably not in the relative direction of pic-a-nic baskets, and it would be provident to get the fuck out of there.
We escorted Felix the Cat to the hostel and Midge started negotiating with the reception staff. Obviously hesitant to allow a person with Felix the Cat's appearance into the establishment, they asked him for an address and phone number. He gave them the name of a city and ad-libbed a phone number. I know the phone number was ad-libbed because the reception dude recited the number back to Felix and added in a cheeky two somewhere in the middle. Felix didn't notice and was told that they were fully booked. Midge continued waving around her credit card for another 10 minutes.This was when I decided that I'd had enough. This person was safe, despite being a moron, and I could leave. I walked over and told her I had an early class the next morning.
This was when Midge actually surprised me as a human being. Apparently her waving around of the credit card was a genuine and true action. She told me that she had a responsibility to this man, apologised for inconveniencing us because she couldn't compromise her values for her, or our, comfort. She concluded by telling us that we could go, but she was staying because even if she couldn't help this man forever; she could help him tonight, and that was a change for the better in a society that doesn't care for or respect the homeless as people.
Nah, I'm just fucking with you. She looked up at me, then at the reception and said: "Me too, you deal with him."
